20th

Clock strikes midnight and it’s my BIRTHDAYYYY aaaaand I was still in the shower lol. SO surprisingly, first person to wish me was pras. Followed by a phone call from my bestie followed by a msg from ghana. Yup. Thats about it. Pathetic eh. Ofcourse my sister wished me. Did I forget to mention that I was in the shower since 11:45 cause I just waxed my arms and legs for god knows what reason. I mean, it’s not like I was gonna meet anyone or do anything at all. 😥
Only reason why I did it was to look less of an ape in a dress. I mean I have to wear a dress no?
So yeah, it was way past 12 when I came out. Honestly, I didnt really feel like coming out of the shower cause not all the important people, well people I really do care about and also people I reallly love, had wished me 😥 Cried myself in the shower for a bit. Finally came out, sipped on some hot english tea my dear sis made me and went to my rooom to find a, what do you know, a present! For meee? Duh. Ok so I rip it open and it’s the exact same dress I’ve been wanting. Got really excited at first.. till I tried it on. Since I’m well endowed in the chest region, the dress was a tad too tight for me. My babies were literally suffocating in the dress.That kinda made me feel sad a bit. My first present and I couldn’t fit into it. Like fuck?
Anyway, I just went to bed. Kinda cried myself to sleep cause I thought my best friend siv and t forgot my birthday. 😥
So in the morning I wake to messages from my poly clique. ❤ They are too sweet :') Then I head to work. Got the bus. Everything was normal. I didn't feel that special birthday glow. Prolly cause I literally had no plans at all. I planned to take a half-day in the hopes that Id be able to hang out with my friends or something. But they're all busy with their Uni lives/work and what not. So I cant really say much. They have their own lives. So I made plans with my sister to have lunch at like swensons or something.

I'm at work. Honestly work is the last place Id wanna be on my birthday. No one knew it was my birthday other than one of my lab member whose birthday happens to be on the same day as mine. But even she didn't wish me. Me and my big fat kind heart brought a small cake slice for her. I didn't even get a birthday wish. I know you're not suppose to expect anything in return. I don't. I just want a wish. That's all I want. I don't want material shit. NO. Just the thought. But if people cant even give me the thought, then that just breaks my heart. Teared up too many times during work. Thinking about my friends who forgot. Then I received a msg from SIva, apparently her msg didn't get sent at 12. Really sweet msg that instantly put a smile to my face :') That's all I'm asking for. The thought, an acknowledgement that it's my birthday.

I feel like I have an issue. It all started in sec 1 when literally all except 1. Ya you heard me, only 1 friend remembered. Everybody else totally just forgot. Like my existence on this earth had no value. That’s how I felt anyway. Ever since that birthday I’ve always been afraid that people would forget about my birthday. This was probably the time I started to associate people who wished me to people who cared.</strong Sometimes I feel like i put in a lot of effort and people just dont do the same for me. </3 one of the reasons why I dont really look forward to/ countdown to my birthday like how I used to in primary school. I'm actually more afraid as the day nears. Cause people are bound to forget. Not saying I want the whole world to wish me like fuck no just the ones that matter to me. Cause i would wanna matter to someone you know?

So yea work ended and I met my sis for lunch. Had lunch, got my cake which I had to go order.So got the cake and headed home. Since it was my birthday, I had to take a nice picture. So I squeezed into my dress and took a gazillion photos of which only a few i likes/ actually look genuinly happy. i cant have people thinking I had a bad day :/ well It wasnt bad but it was less than a normal day actually. so ya that kinda sucks to think about. Oh and guess what, after I took the picture I actually toook a nap for a good 2 hours. ya I wasted 2hours of my birthday sleeping. and I didnt even feel bad.
Woke up and went to westmall to buy dinner and then waited for momma and we came home together. Wow. Momma and sis ended up quarelling and Im jsut like the fuck? on my birthday as well? fuck. and i just kinda ditched them and walked way ahead cause i dont need more negativity to my already negative mind. Went home had dinner. Brought up me wanting a belly piercing and got scolded pretty badly. I totally asked for it. But like fuck? no ones gonna lift up my shirt to find it? I like it so i wanted it. But no. fuck. THen I totally lost the mood to cut the damn cake. But I did it anyway. And since Im so darn good at acting happy, I pulled off a few really good family shots..
So the day ended. No wish from t whatsoever. Sometimes it’s just like, fuck him. It physically and mentally hurts knowning that you do not mean as much to someone who means so much to you. It hurts. It really does. I cant fucking believe he forgot. After all we’ve been through this past 2 months. I just cant fathom how he could forget. Funny part was, we were whatsapping on 29th and he was talking about how bad he felt about some girl he met at the club who just left the club and he felt bad cause maybe he thought it was cause of him? or his friends? like why the fuck you tellin me this bruh I do not want to hear your fucking club storys and its like he didnt even like ask a qn or ask me to come to a conclusion or something and im just there like so your are telling me this because? and he’s just like bye. and then i gave my annoyed emoji and a bye as well cause fuck you. So then i was curious why he told me that so i was like it was an honest qn like why would you tell me tha anyway? then he was just all i felt really bad. OH REALLY?! bad? k. Anyway mind you it was 30th september when he was ‘feelin bad’ about idk what also. He better be feeling way worse about forgetting my birthday and also for feeling bad about some random ass shit on my birthday and telling me and forgetting it was my birthday. I have no idea why I’m ranting so much. Prolly wont be able to understand this last paragraph cause Im writing this at the speed of light cause anytime now my sis would come out of her sanctuary and I wont be able to write anymore.

So well that sums up my super boring birthday. No friends. Nothing. Just work family and a bucketload of tears and emotions.

May my 21st be the best one I’d ever have.

-Nim

Ok so it’s the 1st October and I realised that I’ve been such an ungrateful bitch yesterday. To be honest I actually recieved most of things I actually wanted. My awesome sis bought me a really cute dress, that pair of shoes I had my eyes on, a partner for my bear and momma even got me earrings. Despite the fact that everyone knows that I’m not a jewellery kinda girl. I mean I’m all in for the cheap stuff but nono nono for the real deal. But it was sweet of her. I got all that. Yet I was not content. Why? Guess I’m not materialistic. I mean I got what I wanted yes but those things aren’t what actually makes me happy. It’s truly the thought that counts.

-Nim(again)

Lol

Big fat lol at my previous post about this being cardio week. Totally went off track. Im lucky if i managed to squeeze in 2 workouts in a week. Damn. So distracted. Also my parents want me to be home early so yup. No no sch gym. Sigh. The only contant i have is my sunday pioneer gym seshs :/ goal was to achieve dream bod by my birthday. 2 more days to my birthday but nadah. Nothing. Still at the same place I was. But what I like is, I don’t give up. I keep trying my best to eat healthy and exercise.  Can’t do it all the time but I try. I have had a gazillion set backs. But that doesnt and will not stop me. Even if it’s going to take 1 or 2 or 10 years, I’m still gonna do it. Slow progress does not mean no progress. Gotta chin up and feel positive.

Anyway lately I’ve been confused about my feelings. Gonna make a private post about that soon. I just cant seem to find some alone time to consolidate my thoughts and pen it down. Once I reach home it’s like I need to put on this fake mask so there wont be any questions.  At home I’m like the happy joker who always laughs. Either that or I’m an angry bitch destroying everyone in my path. I hate to cry in front of my family. If eyes do leak it’s prolly at night where no one can see me.
So fucking confused. I have no one to talk to right now which fucking sucks.
Birthday in 2 days and I dont want all this shit in my head.
Sigh. Suck balls.

Whut. Sep

Not gonna lie a lot of crazy stuff happened last week. Good/bad i dont really know but i shall not think too much about that.
It’s finally sep. My fav month. Duh. Ehem bday ehem. But I’m turnin 20 this year like nigguh dayum not gonna be a teen no more 😥
Moving on, I remeber making a pact saying that before my bday this year I’d get the bod of ma dreamz. Well well. I did lose some fats but not as much as I want to. So this month, I’m changing it up abit.
Thinking of making this a cardio month.
Run 3/2 times a week and 1/2 gym seshs.
Overall I’d like to be active 4 days a week.
Sunday is gym day fosho
Monday-rest
Tues-run
Wed-rest
Thur-run
Fri-gym
Sat-rest?
Sunday-gym
Prepped my food for the week.
Let the clean eating / exercising /get fit month begin.
Time’s ticking and I have exactly 22 days.

-Nim